Saturday, March 20, 2004

NEWS FLASH: KERRY IMMUNE FROM GRAVITY

Existence of Invisible Government Agents Revealed!


Sun Valley, Idaho. Apparantly at a loss to explain his being covered in snow after a snowboarding spill, Massachusettes Senator John "F...ing" Kerry declared himself immune to the force of gravity and put the blame on a secret service agent protecting him while on the slopes.

"I don't fall down," the "son of a bitch knocked me over." Kerry told a reporter seemingly without pondering the wisdom of hurling epithets in the direction of a man whose job it is to stop a bullet for him.

The revelation that Kerry is immune to the law of gravity comes only a week after Kerry revealed he is also immune to the norms of presidential campaign transparancy.

Speaking at a town meeting in Bethlehem PA, Kerry implied to the audience that he could call or fly all around the world and speak to world leaders and undermine the current president of the United States. "That is none of your business", said the Senator.

On Friday, Kerry, his snowboard strapped to his back, hiked past 9,000 feet on Durrance Peak, then snowboarded down the mountain, taking repeated tumbles. Reporters counted six falls, although Kerry was out of sight for part of the descent.

Later, at the lodge reporters asked Kerry about those six falls.

"I already told you...I don't fall down! It's these new stealth secret service agents - the invisible ones they gave me. Those sons of bitches knocked me down. I was going to give them a piece of my mind but it is none of their business," Kerry said, as the gathering throngs were amazed to see him reach bare handed into the lodge's fireplace to remove a glowing ember with which he lit an apr├Ęs ski cigar. The flames apparently had no ill effect on the Senators bare skin, causing others to wonder aloud "what other rules do not apply to him?"

The senator had only a cryptic reply to reporters who questioned him about his possibly going swimming while at the luxury resort.

"I may venture into the water, but I don't get wet." the senator replied, a strange and wonderful countenance radiating about his face.


(with Inspirational Credit due to Scrappleface)

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